It all started last week when the wonderful Eleanor Rich challenged me to open my eyes to some baggage that Lord wanted to start healing. It was as if I only wanted to peek, to put my hand over my eyes and peek through the cracks. God was challenging me, once again, fully, completely, and totally rely on Him; and honestly it didn’t feel so great.
This revelation, although rough to face, revealed the roots of independence, fear of intimacy, poverty mindset… and as God takes me through this, it will bring more and more freedom!
The weekend came and went, always faster than I feel it should and I found myself wishing there were so many more hours to sleep come Monday morning at 7:15AM. I was excited to see I had a wonderful email from home, oh I miss home, I really do. But this email slightly blindsided me when I was challenged to face another situation I had been trying to shrug off, hoping it would deal with itself. (Haha) This on top of last weeks challenge was pretty heavy.
9 This third I will put into the fire;
I will refine them like silver
and test them like gold.
They will call on my name
and I will answer them;
I will say, ‘They are my people,’
and they will say, ‘The LORD is our God.’
Then come Tuesday night we had our second Kenya team meeting. During this meeting we found out what our various jobs were going to be; they range from being in charge of the food to worship to photography etc. My stomach dropped when I found out that I was going to be in charge of finances. Finances?! I will be keeping up with the budget and the flow of money. I sat there pretty much pouting the rest of the meeting. Acting like a 5-year-old. I was so angry. Of all the jobs…finances?! God has a sick and twisted sense of humor. You see, I love administrative work. I really do. What I do not love is money.
Come Wednesday I thought I was just going to lose it. Which is what I hate, loosing it. I have a tendency to want to be in control, and keep poised. There’s nothing I can’t face, just a few deep breaths and keep moving forward. This week, my deep breaths weren’t working and I found myself loosing control (in a good way, I’m sure). After talking it out with a few lovelies I realized that I actually know nothing, which makes it rather hard to be in a constant state of being in control of everything. You see we are all under construction, a house not yet fully built. This, if I’m being honest, has always looked like a weakness to me. Because think about a house under construction, if a tornado comes towards the house it will collapse. The difference here is if we are trusting in the Lord, he has us, and the tornado, although might shake us up, will not destroy us. And we are always going to be under construction this side of heaven, so I might as well get over it. I’ve constantly been consumed each week with something new that I’ve decided I want to be healed from…and I want to be healed and move on, I haven’t been accepting that it’s all a process with the Father and its all in his timing.
Once Alyn Jones drew a diagram at emanate; it had 2 circles and the first, the smallest, was the stuff in life we have direct control over (i.e. what we eat, what we wear, etc). Another circle was drawn around the “direct control” circle this is the amount of things we have indirect control over (i.e. how we react in conversations) and then the rest of the diagram was white space which represented everything we had absolutely no control over. He pointed out –most people spend all their time in the white space area, worrying about what they have absolutely no control over. I’m still chewing on this one.
34“Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.” -Matt 6:34 (The Message)
I felt so much lighter and free just by accepting these things. And it was like a celebration when I went on a date (haha) with my beautiful friend, Ingunn. We went to her sisters Gospel Christmas concert (yes, they sing Gospel in Iceland) and it was so wonderful!
Oh so amazing (videos to come). We ended the night on the roof of the guesthouse looking at the stars and talking about the exciting year to come!
The rest of the week came a bit more at ease, I’m still not the happiest camper about dealing with finances for outreach, but it’ll be ok, who knows maybe I have some hidden desire to be an accountant that I never knew about. The rest of the week and this weekend have been filled with those sweet fun moments that you couldn’t plan if you wanted to– with the amazing DTS team I am privileged to know.
Cheers to continual acceptance that God is actually in control, sweet moments with friends, and Christmas.
Felicia, in repair.