A little girl lost by the sea…

A month or so before I arrived here in Iceland I was at one of the Caleb Co. worship nights and my prayer that night was just for the Lord to show me what was blocking me from going deeper into intimacy with him. While we were soaking I got this extremely vivid vision of me as a small girl at the ocean with PapaGod we were running and playing and then all of a sudden I turned around and he wasn’t there anymore. The waves started crashing harder and the sky got dark and gray. I was so afraid. For a moment I didn’t understand why God would give me such a horrible vision. I prayed with some of the girls there through some forgiveness and renouncing fears of abandonment, but this vision kept creeping up. Until one day the Lord explained that this was how I saw him, he was giving me a vision through my filters.

As you’ve read in my past blogs (maybe) some of the healing I’ve walked through since I’ve been here, my image of who God is morphing into the fullness of who he actually is. So this week during our “Seek my Face” time we had to write a poem, I thought Id share it with you all. I’m really not the best poet but I had fun…

I once was a little girl
lost by the sea
stormy, dark and gray.
I was soaked in fear,
holding my teddy near.

I ran up and down the shore
looking and searching,
but I found no one.
The thunder rolled in
and I trembled at each crashing wave.

I cried out “Where are you?”
And “Why have you left me here?”
I needed your love to rescue me.
No sooner did I cry,
the waves calmed
and the sun came out from hiding.
I felt the warmth of my hand in yours.

We spent a day at the sea.
running and playing, carefree.
“Ive never left your side” you said,
and smiled down on me

I am still that little girl
running by the sea
No longer abandoned,
finally at rest.
No longer afraid,
but safe in your arms.
No longer so sad,
but joyful to be
walking with my King
for eternity.

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Falling In Love

Last week was a pretty intense week, and at the beginning of this week I think I was still recovering and processing stuff that the Lord was showing me last week. I was relieved to find out that this week’s topic was relationships. How hard can a week on relationships be?
We started the week with a little bit of review (for us DTS students)–Ron (the speaker, from Colombia, MO) drew some diagrams and talked about not putting up walls because it blocks others out, loving your neighbor and being interdependent on the Father, Son & Holy Spirit. Great things to take note of and a crucial foundation to any relationship, romantic or not. In conversation he asked me what I would like to know about relationships. I thought about it for a moment and decided it would be really nice to learn how to unconditionally love annoying people (haha). Ron planned to teach on just that the following day…teaching us how to walk through life with a heart of peace–not judging others–and not becoming focused on the hurt (annoyance) someone causes you. When you start magnifying this you become blinded and distracted from the race.

“You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?”
Galatians 5:7

All of this was great stuff, but still light compared to last week.
I spoke to soon,but before I can share what happened next I feel like I need to backtrack a little bit…

Earlier this year I went to an Encounter weekend where I discovered an ungodly belief I carried:  Somewhere in my life I decided to make a general belief about men, that they were destructive beings and not worth my trust. I believed that the only role men played in my life was to hurt, abandon or abuse. This was due to past Father figures, boyfriends and other authority figures. The Lord started healing this just this year, he brought some amazing brothers into my life and started opening my eyes to the beauty of his sons. He opened my eyes and showed me that when I expect men to fail and believe that they are destructive I am calling Gods sons less than who they are; they are sons of the kingdom! Full of worth and great inheritance!

Fast-forward to Wednesday Ron gets in front of the class and shares a heart-breaking story about a young girls road to restoration after she had been attacked by a man. Ron told us that the Lord asked him in that situation to get on his face in front of this girl and speak the words of the Father: ” This was not my will for you. Here I come humbly to you.” Ron then stood in the gap and asked for forgiveness on behalf of the attacker.

By the end of the story I, along with most everyone was tearing up and I wasn’t prepared for what was coming next. Ron turns and addresses the girls in the room and begins to tell us that he wanted to stand in that gap for us; he wanted to apologize and ask for forgiveness in place of the men who had damaged and hurt us. He came to us and got down on his knees took all the weight of other men’s wrong doings in our lives..and asked for forgiveness. Oh my heart….
Throughout last week I felt as though my heart was going to burst, it was actually painful. And although I did receive breakthrough, it wasn’t enough to feel a release in my heart; but in this moment my heart finally burst and sweet refreshing water was finally able to flow in. There is so much more building up to this moment, but some of it is a little to personal to share on the world-wide web.

I think the main thing was the realization that by me holding onto the hurt…constantly saying “but this person hurt me!” as a subconscious excuse to not fully forgive, it was making my heart ache–and distracting me from the race.

Oh sweet release.

We then moved onto marriage and love…oh joy joy.
The teaching was a little more on the open dialogue side…and I think he had a great answer to the question of whether or not God tells us who are future spouse is: he pointed out that God can’t promise you something that requires someone elses free-will–brilliant. He may on the other hand say “this would a good one.” while nudging and winking at you. :)

What I got out of what he had to say was basically every love story is going to be unique and different, that’s the beauty of it. It’s just wise to make sure your mind, spirit and emotions are all balance–and although God may not be clearly saying “this is the one” still be in counsel with Him. You and your love could completely feel as though you got a divine word that confirmed the love you had, it could be full of risk and movie-esque fate moments or it could be something easy flowing like a friendship into marriage. Either way its beautiful.

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling… Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go… But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from “being in love” — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God… “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.” -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

What a healing, intense and lovely week.

Out of the city.

This week has been full of exciting things….

During the first week I was here I was able to attend a Bethel healing conference being held here in Iceland. While I was receiving prayer I received a word that I was going to mother many of God’s children. I wrote it in my journal and tucked it away. Within the past week I have had a desire to have kids of my own, or just to be around kids. I didn’t really understand why this desire was arising when it was obviously not the time or the season for me to have kids. Haha.

On Sunday Kathrin and I were walking to church and talking about our desires for after DTS and my mother heart started pounding. We got to church and it was baby-dedication Sunday! After all the baby dedications the message was out of Galatians 4, when Paul is quoting Isaiah 54:

“Rejoice, O barren woman
who does not give birth.
Break forth and shout,
you who are not in labor,
for the children of the desolate are many,
more numerous than those
of the woman who has a husband.”

It was then I was awakened to the fact that I do not need a Husband to have a mother heart for Gods children.

On Wednesday night the staff showed us a video which told us our outreach was Kenya!

At first I thought they were joking because we have been bugging them to tell us where we are going for outreach since we got here. My heart was beating so fast when they went on to share with us that we will be traveling all over Kenya working in orphanages and wherever needed our help. They are still working out all the details though. I felt a peace but I was initially in shock–ha, I know God will continue to prepare my heart but at first I didn’t think my heart could handle it!

On Thursday we had Paul, who is from Kenya and attends the local church here, give his testimony. It was heartbreaking the things he saw but such a testimony as to what God has brought him through! He now lives here in Iceland with his wife and they also run an organization in Kenya (I forgot the name) that we might be working with when we go!

Also this week was teaching on the Holy Spirit and intimacy with God, taught by Ronald Botha. It was good to learn about the personality of the Holy Spirit and his role throughout the new and old testament. As well as the intimacy that God desires to have with us. It was definitely a great lecture week.

I ended the week with a beautiful day out of the city! (Finally!):

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What a wonderful day and week.