Rich and Full.

“I don’t feel like a human,” I told Tyler last Monday  as we were walking in the compound here in Kapenguria. It seems like a strange statement, but it was the only way I could think to express how I felt inside. The night before our team had a memorial service for what happened to Laura & Ebel—maybe that’s what sparked this weird feeling of non-humanness. Later that night I went into the tiny kitchen we get to use here. Ari and Ty were cooking, listening to lovely folky music. As I stood there watching them cook & laughing with them over something seemingly insignificant, I’m sure…I realized what I had been feeling all day: nostalgia. I felt nostalgic over nothing specific. I imagined that this night, cooking, listening to good music, the cool African night and having the privilege to eat dinner again with my “forever family”—-this was something, one day I was going to feel nostalgic over.  After dinner we all stood around the kitchen and porch area while the dishes were being done, listening to music and simply enjoying each others company. I had the overwhelming urge to twirl like a little girl in a pretty dress. It all felt like a nostalgic movie scene from a Cameron Crowe film. Like when Penny Lane & the gang sang Tiny Dancer in Almost Famous, or Orlando Bloom jumping in with one hand in the air in Elizabethtown. I almost felt as though I could cry, I wanted to stop time.  My twirling led to the boys seeing how many spins they could go with their forehead on the broomstick & then walk straight. It was absolutely hilarious. At one point Nicholaus was spinning when all of a sudden the power went out. We all screamed in laughter–especially when the lights came back on and Nick was just laying on the ground against the wall of the house. “I thought it was the end of the world,” he got out in between laughs.  To add the movie-esqueness of the night; Tyler, Nick, Michelle and I listened to The Album Leaf as we stared at the Milky Way that shined so bright in the African sky. We talked about nothing much at all, just soaked up the beauty of it all.  While we were laying there Tyler whispered “better pay attention in life, or it’ll pass you by,” after I missed a shooting star. It was a joke, but it hit a nerve. I realized in all my revelation that Lord has been downloading about His gift of FULLNESS—a fear had crept in. I’ve become fearful in every decision I think I might make–scared that I’m making the wrong one and I’m missing the fullness–which in turn paralyzes me.  The next morning Nick played the song in my previous post —“Train song” by Josh Garrels, God started working and damaging that fear:

“And I’m steppin’ out the door,

I’m doin what feels right,

followin’ my Lord through the darkest night,

And when the path gets narrow,

I follow Him…

He said “sing it on the mountain high,or in the valley low

‘He’s my God and He never let me go.”

The fear of missing out on the fullness will in turn guarantee it. I’ll come back to this in a moment….There’s only 2 short weeks left here in Kenya and as we were praying over this time here in Kapenguria we received words of fullness–that each day would be RICH and FULL of LIFE and that’s exactly my heart’s cry. On this past Sunday we had the privilege to attend the opening of church in the Pokot Tribe area, about an hour away from where we are staying. Please read up on the Pokot Tribe if you are curious…but some of the basic culture…The Pokot are polygamous normally having four to five wives.

Although it is against the law (which isn’t enforced properly) they still practice female circumcision (FGM). Boys are circumcised at age 15 and then there is a celebration called “sapana” for them in which they are then declared “real” men.The culture is under such strongholds of tradition and witch-craft so you can imagine the joy it was to see the freedom the Lord had brought to so many of them. It was such a joyous celebration that I am not sure how to put into words. To be part of a church being planted in an unreached people-group area was so surreal. The service was packed full of all kinds of dancing and fellowship–my heart was just “boiling” as Ari would say to express the feeling of peace and “this is right” you get when you know there’s no where else in the world that you should be except right there in that moment.

“This day couldn’t get much better, ” I said. Boy did I not even know what was coming….  On the jam-packed jeep ride home I had an “If This Were A Dream, What Would It Mean?” moment. All four of us girls were sitting on the middle bench, while the two Icelanders, were sitting up front and the boys were in the back packed with way to many Kenyans than should ever fit in a car. Ariel and I were listening to Jonsi in one ear while the sound of the Kenyan girls singing streamed in the other. It was as if Iceland was in one ear, and Kenya in the other. To top it off it started raining, really raining. Which is quite a big deal because they’ve been in a drought here. I smiled and thought about the day getting better and better.

When we arrived back at the compound Fanney had been busy making us french-press coffee and delicious coffee desert! Wow!

We spent some incredible time at their house and then headed back to ours for some rest. All four of us girls were just sitting in the living room enjoying each others company; it was only when Nick called us to dinner that I realized we hadn’t seen the boys all afternoon.  As we walked up to the table we realized that there were only four place-settings. There was a bright-burning candle and flowers all over the table. We sat down only soon to be crowned with princess crowns and African celebration necklaces. The boys proceeded to serve us salad and delicious pasta Milano, we just sat in awe. With every song that came on the playlist we said “awww..” The reality that this time, this season would soon be over hit us all this night. I was holding back my tears but then lost it when the boys surrounded us individually to pray and speak life into us! It was such a sacred time and the spirit was heavily there with us.

We were then guided into the living room for warmth and served chocolate cake and coffee! Oh it was so beautiful. The night came to a close with a movie and letters on our pillows :) A night (and day!) I’ll never forget.

So, going back to my fear of missing out on fullness…as soon as I laid it down to the Lord and let him take my cares, worries and fears…I’ve been able to enjoy this fullness that he’s been pouring into each day!

We head to Mombasa in a week…we’ll get to see the Indian Ocean!! I love my life.

A little girl lost by the sea…

A month or so before I arrived here in Iceland I was at one of the Caleb Co. worship nights and my prayer that night was just for the Lord to show me what was blocking me from going deeper into intimacy with him. While we were soaking I got this extremely vivid vision of me as a small girl at the ocean with PapaGod we were running and playing and then all of a sudden I turned around and he wasn’t there anymore. The waves started crashing harder and the sky got dark and gray. I was so afraid. For a moment I didn’t understand why God would give me such a horrible vision. I prayed with some of the girls there through some forgiveness and renouncing fears of abandonment, but this vision kept creeping up. Until one day the Lord explained that this was how I saw him, he was giving me a vision through my filters.

As you’ve read in my past blogs (maybe) some of the healing I’ve walked through since I’ve been here, my image of who God is morphing into the fullness of who he actually is. So this week during our “Seek my Face” time we had to write a poem, I thought Id share it with you all. I’m really not the best poet but I had fun…

I once was a little girl
lost by the sea
stormy, dark and gray.
I was soaked in fear,
holding my teddy near.

I ran up and down the shore
looking and searching,
but I found no one.
The thunder rolled in
and I trembled at each crashing wave.

I cried out “Where are you?”
And “Why have you left me here?”
I needed your love to rescue me.
No sooner did I cry,
the waves calmed
and the sun came out from hiding.
I felt the warmth of my hand in yours.

We spent a day at the sea.
running and playing, carefree.
“Ive never left your side” you said,
and smiled down on me

I am still that little girl
running by the sea
No longer abandoned,
finally at rest.
No longer afraid,
but safe in your arms.
No longer so sad,
but joyful to be
walking with my King
for eternity.

Falling In Love

Last week was a pretty intense week, and at the beginning of this week I think I was still recovering and processing stuff that the Lord was showing me last week. I was relieved to find out that this week’s topic was relationships. How hard can a week on relationships be?
We started the week with a little bit of review (for us DTS students)–Ron (the speaker, from Colombia, MO) drew some diagrams and talked about not putting up walls because it blocks others out, loving your neighbor and being interdependent on the Father, Son & Holy Spirit. Great things to take note of and a crucial foundation to any relationship, romantic or not. In conversation he asked me what I would like to know about relationships. I thought about it for a moment and decided it would be really nice to learn how to unconditionally love annoying people (haha). Ron planned to teach on just that the following day…teaching us how to walk through life with a heart of peace–not judging others–and not becoming focused on the hurt (annoyance) someone causes you. When you start magnifying this you become blinded and distracted from the race.

“You were running a good race. Who cut in on you to keep you from obeying the truth?”
Galatians 5:7

All of this was great stuff, but still light compared to last week.
I spoke to soon,but before I can share what happened next I feel like I need to backtrack a little bit…

Earlier this year I went to an Encounter weekend where I discovered an ungodly belief I carried:  Somewhere in my life I decided to make a general belief about men, that they were destructive beings and not worth my trust. I believed that the only role men played in my life was to hurt, abandon or abuse. This was due to past Father figures, boyfriends and other authority figures. The Lord started healing this just this year, he brought some amazing brothers into my life and started opening my eyes to the beauty of his sons. He opened my eyes and showed me that when I expect men to fail and believe that they are destructive I am calling Gods sons less than who they are; they are sons of the kingdom! Full of worth and great inheritance!

Fast-forward to Wednesday Ron gets in front of the class and shares a heart-breaking story about a young girls road to restoration after she had been attacked by a man. Ron told us that the Lord asked him in that situation to get on his face in front of this girl and speak the words of the Father: ” This was not my will for you. Here I come humbly to you.” Ron then stood in the gap and asked for forgiveness on behalf of the attacker.

By the end of the story I, along with most everyone was tearing up and I wasn’t prepared for what was coming next. Ron turns and addresses the girls in the room and begins to tell us that he wanted to stand in that gap for us; he wanted to apologize and ask for forgiveness in place of the men who had damaged and hurt us. He came to us and got down on his knees took all the weight of other men’s wrong doings in our lives..and asked for forgiveness. Oh my heart….
Throughout last week I felt as though my heart was going to burst, it was actually painful. And although I did receive breakthrough, it wasn’t enough to feel a release in my heart; but in this moment my heart finally burst and sweet refreshing water was finally able to flow in. There is so much more building up to this moment, but some of it is a little to personal to share on the world-wide web.

I think the main thing was the realization that by me holding onto the hurt…constantly saying “but this person hurt me!” as a subconscious excuse to not fully forgive, it was making my heart ache–and distracting me from the race.

Oh sweet release.

We then moved onto marriage and love…oh joy joy.
The teaching was a little more on the open dialogue side…and I think he had a great answer to the question of whether or not God tells us who are future spouse is: he pointed out that God can’t promise you something that requires someone elses free-will–brilliant. He may on the other hand say “this would a good one.” while nudging and winking at you. :)

What I got out of what he had to say was basically every love story is going to be unique and different, that’s the beauty of it. It’s just wise to make sure your mind, spirit and emotions are all balance–and although God may not be clearly saying “this is the one” still be in counsel with Him. You and your love could completely feel as though you got a divine word that confirmed the love you had, it could be full of risk and movie-esque fate moments or it could be something easy flowing like a friendship into marriage. Either way its beautiful.

“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling… Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go… But, of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from “being in love” — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God… “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.” -C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity.

What a healing, intense and lovely week.